Internal File / Department Overview

We Book Pets. That's the Whole Business.

Certified Menace Co. exists because every pet on earth has a rap sheet and not one institution was willing to process it. Somebody had to build the height chart. It turned out to be us.

ORGANIZATION: Certified Menace Co.
DIVISION: Booking & Portraiture
JURISDICTION: Your living room. Possibly the couch.
MOTTO: All pets. Zero remorse.
STAFF: Humans. Actual ones. Unfortunately.
STATUS: Operational. Under-caffeinated.

Statement of Facts

How This Got Out of Hand

It started as one poster. A dog, a height chart, and a list of things she had done that week. It was meant to be a joke for one household. Then somebody saw it on a wall and said the four words that built this company: “Can you do mine?”

We have never recovered. There is now a department. There is a stamp. There is a person whose actual job is deciding whether your cat should be charged with arson or merely with conspiracy to commit arson.

We are not here to tell you your pet is a good boy. Your pet is under investigation. We are here to document it properly, print it at a size your relatives cannot ignore, and let you hang the evidence in the hallway.

Most Commonly Filed

The Charge Sheet

CODE 1

Sustained Eye Contact While Doing It

They knew. They looked directly at you. They continued. This is not a behavioural issue, this is a confession.

CODE 2

Unlicensed Operation of a Sofa

The couch was not theirs. It has never been theirs. The paperwork was clear. They have occupied it for six years.

CODE 3

Theft of Food Not Legally Assigned to Them

Sandwich unaccounted for. No witnesses. One suspect, licking their lips, refusing counsel.

CODE 4

Disturbing the Peace at 3:00 AM

For no reason. There was no intruder. There was no sound. There was only the decision to scream.

On the Record

Official Department Positions

Are you a real police department?

No. We would like to be very clear about this, mostly for legal reasons but also because we would be catastrophically bad at it.

Do you actually think pets are criminals?

We think pets are criminals in the same way we think a toddler with a marker is an artist. Technically yes. Legally, no one is pressing charges.

Is any of this wholesome?

Absolutely not. Other brands will tell you your dog is an angel who was sent to heal you. We have seen the security footage.

Who makes the artwork?

A human being who looks at your photo, invents a crime, and builds the case file by hand. Every custom order is held for review before anything is produced. No machine gets to decide what your cat is guilty of.

Notice to the Public

Your Pet Has Not Been Charged Yet. That Is a Paperwork Problem.

Upload one photo. Tell us what they did. A human builds the case file by hand and sends it to you for approval before anything is produced.

Book Your Pet

Certified Menace Co. is a novelty merchandise brand. We are not a law enforcement agency, we hold no legal authority whatsoever, and no animal has ever been genuinely detained by us. Any resemblance to actual criminal proceedings is a joke that got printed.