Case File Open — Booking In Progress
Certified Menace Co.
All pets. Zero remorse.
Standard Operating Procedure
How Booking Works
1. You Upload
Send us a clear photo of the suspect. Front-facing. Judgmental expression preferred but not required.
2. We Book ’Em
A real human builds the mugshot by hand — height chart, case file, invented charges — and holds your order for review. Nothing prints until we say so.
3. You Approve, We Ship
We send you the finished design first. You approve it, we produce it. No surprises, just consequences.
Every custom order is held for manual review before production. Nothing ships until a human signs off on the design.
Current Inventory
The Lineup
No products available yet.
Recent Calls to the Tip Line
Nobody Asked, We're Telling You Anyway
“Suspect observed refusing to confirm or deny sandwich theft. Poster arrived before the sandwich did. — Precinct Hotline, Case No. 4471”
“Caller reports cat has not shown remorse in six recorded years. Tote bag issued as a formality. — Precinct Hotline, Case No. 2209”
“Dog apprehended at scene of the couch. Charges pending. Merch shipped anyway. — Precinct Hotline, Case No. 3390”
The Department
Why We Do This
Certified Menace Co. exists because every pet has a rap sheet and no institution willing to process it. We fixed that. We are not a licensed law enforcement agency. We are, however, extremely committed to the bit.
Every order starts the same way: a photo, a crime we invent, and a human on our end who actually builds the thing by hand before it goes anywhere near production. No bots print your pet. We just work with a strange sense of humor and a red stamp.